Week 6

"Fear and Bravery"

This week has been full of heebie jeebies. For all who've been following me, it's obvious to see that I have been hiking and now biking alone this entire trek. Of course, all with the exception of having Zack come down and visit a few times. This is something I did not try to advertise, however, could become obvious in the fact, it's just me in all of my pictures. 

This was part of my reason for hiking though. I wanted to know that I could handle being alone and complete an adventure all by myself. When I hiked the AT, I hiked with Ibex. People would always ask me, weren't you afraid? Didn't you get scared out there? I always answered no. I felt super safe, all the time. Of course I felt safe. Ibex and I always went to town together, always hitched together, and I always slept in the same area. I was never really alone except while walking through the woods during the day. This trip, although I would have loved for Zack to thru-hike it with me, was really about me doing something for myself, by myself. 

None of this really set in until the day I was driving to Clingmans dome with Zack. I started thinking of all the things that could go wrong. Being a female, harassment, rape, and murder are always at the top of the list. Just below that are bears and snakes. And after that well there really aren't many fears. 

On this trail, I have been called brave by many folks I know and by complete strangers. From my first day to my 6th week. I didn't quite understand it at first. Then I started to get annoyed by it. Was I being called brave just because I am a girl hiking in the woods alone? What if I was a boy, would I still be called brave? 

It wasn't until I was on my bike, passed Greensboro, that a man asked me if I was afraid and admitted he would be too afraid to be out there alone that I thought maybe it isn't because I am a girl but just because I am out in the wilderness with no protection other than myself and the things that I carry. 

Why are we so afraid ?! Honestly, even with that man who admitted he would be afraid, I still go back to the fact that it is because I am a female in the woods or just out traveling alone. It makes me very sad and at times I think that maybe I should be trying to empower women throughout my journey. I guess it's just a second notion of what my goal is which is raising awareness of veteran suicides and a non profit organization called warrior hike. 

You know, before I left for the trail, someone said, "she's a dummy" and although they may not have meant anything bad by it. It has stuck with me and it has really hurt my feelings. I am not a dummy. I have thought of the risks of going into the woods alone and have prepared myself for any and all possible encounters. 

I was afraid. I have been afraid for most of this trail, but I have made it through. Does being brave mean not being afraid or does it just means facing your fears. Out here, I am doing both. 

My first week, once Zack left me, I was looking left and right for bears and snakes and people. But why? Because society had taught me to be afraid. They kept telling me,  "be careful", "that's dangerous", "you're doing that alone!". They had instilled a fear that created a sense of paranoia. 

It wasn't until the first weekend alone that I was finally at ease in the woods. I found my happy place. I was content. I was in my own thoughts and I was enjoying myself. Then again, I was also trying to find the trail and beat the "aggressive bear activity" section. Here, I am referring to being lost in the middle prong wilderness and walking through the graveyard field section of the trail. 

In those areas I was so concerned with getting back on track that all of my other fears disappeared. I met people that helped me, that took me into their homes, and that made me love this trail. 

Then, I left the mountains. I entered the Piedmont and I hit the road sections. This is when I was encountered by barking and growling dogs and nosy people. I am a huge pet lover. I love dogs. Granted, I love my dog, Levi, more than any dog, I also love all dogs. This trail has made me very weary of dogs though! I have been barked at, chased, and growled at. I have also had a pet owner, whose dog almost bit me, tell me that I should carry maze. Umm. I do, but I don't want to spray your dog! Especially if you are right there to control it! Additionally, as much as I love sharing my story, spreading the word of warrior hike and spreading the word of the Mountains to Sea trail, I don't like saying where I am going that night and that I am alone. I have been in so many places where people ask me where I am going, where I have been, and where I am sleeping tonight. Hello! I've always been taught don't talk to strangers, however, some strangers quickly become friends and even like family, but others are just pass-byers that I try to keep information limited too. 

So here I am, the Friday after leaving my new trail family. I biked 40 miles to a campground. A campground that I arrived to after seeing disturbing images of animals shortly before my arrival. Upon my arrival, I come to an empty lot, with no host, no place to pay, and no information. The place I was staying was a campground and music event center, but today, it was just an empty lot with 5 permanent RV sights (sights where people had made this their permanent location). 

I went ahead and parked my bike in the back where the shade was. I took refuge from the burning sun on the music stage. Here I made many phone calls planning out the future days and catching up with friends from back home. This is when one of the tenants offered me AC, then water, then food. Normally, I'm chatty with folks and feel comfortable, but I was weary of this fella. Soon after, I made my way to the front of the campground. Located close to the road, there were 4 RVs and an "abandoned" building with a bath house on the side. As a storm quickly approached, I took shelter under the awning of the "abandoned" building. Here I felt safe as the rain was pounding down and lightening struck near. Within the hour, as the sun was setting down, I pitched my tent. As dark set in, a security car, without any lights or anything on, drove around the premises. Typically security guards make you feel comfortable, but in this instance, it was the exact opposite. Around 9pm, I dosed off to sleep. All while wishing I had biked 15 more miles to camp behind a fire department.

Morning came, I was so happy I made it through the night. Too bad, when I looked at my clock it was only 2 a.m.  Occupying an RV campsite, I got out of my tent to get my phone off of the charge. With my luck, as soon as I stepped out of my tent there was a man walking across the lot! What the hell! It was 2am! I was silently freaking out. I grabbed my bear spray from my tent and asked the man, in a deep tone, if he lived around here. As he approached me, I backed up, grabbed my phone, and had it ready to dial 911. Delusional me made up a whole story of what I thought he said and what he actually said.

The conversation basically consisted of him telling me that he and his wife lived there, he walked to work every morning, and that I shouldnt be out here alone. All of what I wanted to hear at 2am! 

There was no way I was going back to bed now. I sat up in my tent looking to the left and looking to the right, scanning the premises for any other folks walking around. At 425a.m. a car pulled in, without their lights on, and drove to the back of the lot. What were they doing back there I wondered? It's 4am and that other man lives alone! Knowing that Zack had to wake up early to head out for drill, I called him, crying and scared. I knew he couldn't do anything about this but it was nice to have him on the other line. 30 minutes later the car left, with their lights on. I started to pack my belongings. As soon as day broke I was getting the hell out of here! 

That morning, I biked over 25 miles before 10a.m. By 5, I biked 20 more and had a couple hour break at a local grill. 

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Today I was creeped out. I trusted noone and I just wanted to get as far away from that campground as I possibly could! That evening I slept at Jones Lake State Park. I was stoked to see that there was a lake right where I purchased my campsite for the night. I walked my bike over, parked, talked to some fellow campers, then went for a swim in my underclothing. It was so relaxing! I rubbed off all of the sand, sweat, sunscreen, and bug spray I had encountered that day. It was so hot out that everything was dry before I went to bed. 

Since I had biked so many more miles than planned on Saturday, Sunday I only biked 16. Here I met trail angels Dianne and Carl. They own a boat store in white lake and take care of segment 13 of the trail. By 1p.m., I had showered, eaten lunch, and had my clothes in the wash. We spent the afternoon talking about the trail and watching National Geographic. Once my clothes finished washing, I went upstairs and took a nap. I woke up just after a thunderstorm and continued watching National Geographic. That evening we went out for Mexican, watched National Geographic Live, and had some of Dianne's homemade brownies for dessert. It was a perfect day. I couldn't have asked for a more relaxing and recharging Sunday afternoon. 

The next day I had planned to sleep at Moore's Creek battlefield. A national park facility that only allows camping to special groups, one being MST thru-hikers. I arrived around 1p.m., much earlier than I typically like to end my days, but here there was a good, free place to sleep. I met up with the ranger who told where I could sleep and that I'd have the place to myself. This was all pretty cool, for the most part, until I walked over to the picnic area to seek shelter for a storm that was about to break. 

Here I ran into a man, probably in his 50s. Immediately, my guard was up. Was it because my guard really should have been up or was I being paranoid from all of the previous encounters? I'm not sure, but I guess Id rather be safe than sorry. 

As I approached the shelter I asked if he was waiting out the storm as well. I made up a story about my travels, where I was going, and who I was meeting. These were all lies and I was thoroughly impressed with how much it made sense. (I am a really bad liar)! We had small talk, but something just felt odd about him. He said he comes there often, he likes it when it's quiet there, and that he lives about a mile down the road. 

Our small talk tapered off and I started to check my phone and figure out what I was doing. Every time I looked up he was staring at me. This happened so many times that I eventually packed my belongings, wished him well, and went on my way. On my way to the visitors center. 

To make a long story short, I was very fortunate that trail angels Dianne and Carl connected me to a new trail angel and friend Dan who welcomed me to a safe place to sleep that evening. Dan picked me up from the battlefield, provided me a place to sleep, and brought me back more food than I could handle for breakfast. He was also kind enough to shuttle me back where he picked me up. 

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I made it! From here on out I would have company with me! Yes! Yay! I am safe! 

It was so nice to meet up with my old friend Tim for having one other person next to me made everything seem better. 

But then it makes me wonder, have I grown? Am I really strong? Am I really brave? Or do I just hold it together well? Am I good at testing myself ?

All along I've had moments of fear. Some moments were 100% irrational and if I had been with someone I would not have been afraid at all, but then there were times when I truly felt unsafe. And also, those times of irrational fear could have turned into extremely unsafe circumstances. 

The mountains are my safe haven. Bears are not out to get me nor are the people who hike in the mountains. The further I have gotten away from the mountains the less safe I have felt. It's the people that are scary. I pass hundreds if not thousands of people a day. The further I go east, the less people are aware that I am on a trail, that I have walked 48 days by myself, that I have walked over 1000 miles, and that I am on an epic journey. They are unaware of what I am capable of or of what I have accomplished. That just bums me out a bit. 

But let's go back to the question or maybe just the fact that society has told us to be afraid but that is not what hiking a trail is about. It's about being in a safe haven, getting inside your head, meeting like minded individuals and sharing like minded ideas. It is about becoming stronger, becoming insightful, and about letting others in. The trail provides. The trail brings others together. Yea, there is bad in this world. And yes, I have ran into scary situations, but we cannot continue to hide behind locked doors, to shut people out, and most importantly, we should not shut ourselves out from exploring this beautiful world. 

So yes, maybe you think I am dumb for hiking this trail. Maybe you think it is dangerous. And yes maybe it is scary at times. And yes this is what this blog highlights, but this trail is also so much more. If I stopped Every time I was afraid I would never grow. So maybe facing those fears and not quitting does make me brave. 

...for all those now worried from what you read. I am fine. All is well. I have company the rest of the way and I will be finishing this trek in just over a week, on my birthday, July 26th!